Monday Humor: Nascar

Make sure you have at least one of the following bumper stickers:


  • “If you can read this, you’re too close”
  • “Watch my ass, not hers”
  • “I’d rather be skiing”
  • “I brake for no apparent reason”
  • “I drive this way just to piss you off”

Signal only when you feel like it.

If you feel you must use your directionals, make sure they blink only once, then turn them off.

Signal only after you change lanes.

When driving straight, make sure that at least one directional is blinking at all times.

Signal as you approach a curve in the road.

If you intend to make a right turn, use the left signal.

If you intend to make a left turn, use the right signal.

When approaching an intersection, signal to turn and slow down. When other drivers or pedestrians cross in front of you, turn off the signal and go straight.

When you intend to make a turn, start signaling approximately 6-8 blocks before your turn. Slow down for each block as you approach them.

Always apply your brakes way before you signal.

When making a left turn at a busy red light, wait for the light to turn green before you turn on your signal.

Wait until after you have started to turn or change lanes to use your signals.

If you must use hand signals instead of your directionals, use your right hand or have your passenger do it out the right side window.


Why does Gordon never hit the wall?
The wall aint got no numbers on it.

Did you see where that lady that won the 20 million dollar lawsuit for the Mcdonalds coffee being too hot, is suing Walmart?
Apparently she bought an Ernie Irvin shirt and hit the wall 10 times before she left the store.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked Rick Hendrick. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” Rick stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.
“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. Rick still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” said Rick, “I thought he was talking to you.”

Dale Earnhardt Jr was walking across campus when Kurt Busch rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
“Where did you get such a great bike?”, asked Jr.
Kurt replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said ‘Take what you want.'”
Jr nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Darrell Waltrip and Dale Earnhardt were driving around a small country town when Dale accidentally hit and killed a goat. Well, Darrell made him go up to the farm house and apologize.They drove up to the farm, Dale got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When Dale came out, Darrell was confused about why he had been in there so long.
“Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses.” explained the man in black.
“What did you tell the farmer?” Waltrip asked.
Number 3 replied, “I told him I was driving around with Darrell Waltrip and I’d just killed the old goat.”

Why did NASCAR outlaw the Polish victory lap….
Because it was interfering with Bill Elliott’s finishing of the race!

Bill Elliott goes into a bar still dressed in his race suit and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young woman sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the “Million Dollar Man” and asked him, “Are you a real race car driver?”
To which he replied, “Well, ma’am I have spent my whole life on the track, testing chassis, testing engines,testing tires, winning races and I even won the Nascar Winston Cup a few years back.”
After a short while he asked her what she did. She replied, “I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women.”
A short while later she left and the “Golden Arches” Racer ordered another drink . A couple sat down next to him and asked, “Are you a real Nascar driver?”
To which he replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian too.”


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