Archive for March 23rd, 2008

23
Mar
08

Report: 32% Of Prayers Deflected Off Passing Satellites

March 19, 2008 | Issue 44•12

The Onion

Report: 32% Of Prayers Deflected Off Passing Satellites

HOUSTON—According to an official NASA report released Saturday, nearly 32 percent of all prayers exiting Earth are deflected off satellites orbiting the planet—ultimately preventing the discharged requests for divine intervention from ever making it to the Gates of Heaven. “After impact with the satellite, these diverted prayers typically plummet back into the atmosphere, where they either burn up or eventually land, unanswered, in a body of water,” the report read in part. “Of the remaining prayers, research confirms 64 percent fail to make it past the stratosphere because they aren’t prayed hard enough, 94 percent of those with enough momentum are swallowed by a supermassive black hole at the center of the Milky Way galaxy, and 43 percent are eaten by birds.” The report concluded that, of the 170 billion prayers issued last month, one made it to God, whose reply was intercepted by a hurricane and incorrectly delivered to a Nigerian man who reportedly did not know what to do with his brand-new Bowflex machine.

Arkansas Woman Killed in Mistaken Rapture

by Elroy Willis — August 2, 2001

ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) — A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car’s sunroof during an incident best described as a “mistaken rapture” by dozens of eye-witnesses.Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile-up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman, who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she believed was Jesus.

“She started screaming `He’s back! He’s back!’ and climbed out through the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car,” said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.

“I was slowing down but she wouldn’t wait till I stopped,” Williams said. “She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky,” he went on to say.

“This is the strangest thing I’ve seen since I’ve been on the force,” said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene.

Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was on his way to a toga costume party, when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow-up sex dolls filled with helium, which then floated up into the sky.

Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who’s been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration and said “Come back,” just as the Williams’ car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into heaven as they drove by him.

“I think my wife loved Jesus more than she loved me,” the widower said when asked why his wife would do such a thing.

When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied “This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen.”

http://www.elroysemporium.com/news/rapturetalk.html

23
Mar
08

A Bridge

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23
Mar
08

On This Day, 3-23-08: Liberty or Death

Battle of Kernstown, Virginia

Confederate General Thomas J. “Stonewall” Jackson suffers a rare defeat when his attack on Union forces in the Shenandoah Valley fails.

Jackson was trying to prevent Union General Nathaniel Banks from sending troops from the Shenandoah to General George McClellan’s army near Washington. McClellan was preparing to send his massive army by water to the James Peninsular southeast of Richmond for a summer campaign against the Confederate capital. When Turner Ashby, Jackson’s cavalry commander, detected that Yankee troops were moving out of the valley, Jackson decided to attack and keep the Union troops divided.

Ashby attacked at Kernstown on March 22. He reported to Jackson that only four Union regiments were present–perhaps 3,000 men. In fact, Union commander James Shields actually had 9,000 men at Kernstown but kept most of them hidden during the skirmishing on March 22. The rest of Jackson’s force arrived the next day, giving the Confederates about 4,000 men. The 23rd was a Sunday, and the religious Jackson tried not to fight on the Sabbath. The Yankees could see his deployment, though, so Jackson chose to attack that afternoon. He struck the Union left flank, but the Federals moved troops into place to stop the Rebel advance. At a critical juncture, Richard Garnett withdrew his Confederate brigade due to a shortage of ammunition, and this exposed another brigade to a Union attack. The northern troops poured in, sending Jackson’s entire force in retreat.

Jackson lost 80 killed, 375 wounded, and 263 missing or captured, while the Union lost 118 dead, 450 wounded, and 22 missing. Despite the defeat, the battle had positive results for the Confederates. Unnerved by the attack, President Lincoln ordered McClellan to leave an entire corps to defend Washington, thus drawing troops from McClellan’s Peninsular campaign. The battle was the opening of Jackson’s famous Shenandoah Valley campaign. Over the following three months, Jackson’s men marched hundreds of miles, won several major battles, and kept three separate Union forces occupied in the Shenandoah.

“Battle of Kernstown, Virginia.” 2008. The History Channel website. 23 Mar 2008, 01:52 http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history.do?action=Article&id=2144.

1513 – Don Juan Ponce de Leon, a former governor of Puerto Rico, discovered Florida. He claimed the land for Spain.

1775 – American revolutionary Patrick Henry declared, “give me liberty, or give me death!”

1839 – The first recorded use of “OK” [oll korrect] was used in Boston’s Morning Post.

1840 – The first successful photo of the Moon was taken.

1857 – Elisha Otis installed the first modern passenger elevator in a public building. It was at the corner of Broome Street and Broadway in New York City.

1858 – Eleazer A. Gardner patented the cable streetcar.

1861 – London’s first tramcars began operations.

1889 – U.S. President Harrison opened Oklahoma for white colonization.

1901 – It was learned that Boers were starving in British concentration camps in South Africa.

1903 – The Wright brothers obtained an airplane patent.

1925 – The state of Tennessee enacted a law that made it a crime for a teacher in any state-supported public school to teach any theory that was in contradiction to the Bible’s account of man’s creation.

1933 – The German Reichstag adopted the Enabling Act. The act effectively granted Adolf Hitler dictatorial legislative powers.

1942 – During World War II, the U.S. government began evacuating Japanese-Americans from West Coast homes to detention centers.

1965 – America’s first two-person space flight took off from Cape Kennedy with astronauts Virgil I. Grissom and John W. Young aboard. The craft was the Gemini 3.

1980 – The deposed shah of Iran, Muhammad Riza Pahlavi, left Panama for Egypt.

Patrick Henry voices American opposition to British policy

During a speech before the second Virginia Convention, Patrick Henry responds to the increasingly oppressive British rule over the American colonies by declaring, “I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!” Following the signing of the American Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, Patrick Henry was appointed governor of Virginia by the Continental Congress.

“Patrick Henry voices American opposition to British policy.” 2008. The History Channel website. 23 Mar 2008, 02:02 http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history.do?action=Article&id=4856.

Fear is the passion of slaves.
Patrick Henry

The liberties of a people never were, nor ever will be, secure, when the transactions of their rulers may be concealed from them.
Patrick Henry




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