Archive for March 31st, 2008

31
Mar
08

President Reagan: The Reagan Wit

31
Mar
08

Workplace humor

A Man rings his boss and says, “I have to take a day off work, because my wife and I are having a baby.”
“oh, ok.”
The next day the man comes to work and his boss says, “Is it a boy or a girl?”
The man says, “I dunno, I’ll tell you in 9 months.”

Actual Federal Employee Evaluation Quotes

  • Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
  • His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
  • I would not allow this employee to breed.
  • This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won’t be.
  • Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
  • When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
  • He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
  • This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
  • She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  • This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better.
  • This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  • Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
  • A room temperature IQ.
  • Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
  • A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
  • A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
  • A prime candidate for natural deselection.
  • Bright as Alaska in December.
  • One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
  • Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
  • Fell out of the family tree.
  • Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.
  • Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
  • He is so dense, light bends around him.
  • If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
  • If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
  • If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.
  • If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  • It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
  • One neuron short of a synapse.
  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
  • Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program.
  • Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
  • Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Rules For Work

  1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
  2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
  3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
  4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
  5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
  6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
  7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
  8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
  9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
  10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
  11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers’ hell.
  12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
  13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway



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