Archive for April 13th, 2008


Darwin Awards: Pining Away

Official Drug Test
1997 Honorable Mention
Confirmed True by Darwin

(1997, Canada) A woman in Canada called the police with a complaint that she had been burnt in a drug deal. She claimed that a man had sold her a rock of crack cocaine, but when she brought it home, it “looked like baking powder.”

The police dispatched a narcotics agent to her house, who tested the rock and verified that, despite its appearance, it was indeed cocaine. The woman was promptly arrested for drug possession. The RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) are encouraging anyone who thinks they may have been fooled into buying fake drugs to come forward.

Stag Party
2002 Personal Account

A Wisconsin reader says, “I’ve observed and hunted deer in a variety of situations for years. I find it difficult to believe anyone on an ATV could corner one these fleet-footed animals. A deer can duck an arrow fired from a compound bow, leap most fences, and change direction on a dime. You’re not going to corner a deer unless it’s tied to a post.

(June 2002, Georgia) An EMT in southern Georgia was part of the unit that responded to a call from Coffee County late one night. They arrived on the scene and found a severely injured man lying at the edge of a field. His stomach had been completely torn open, and he was covered with lacerations and bruises. He also had a prominent tire tread across his chest.

The injured man’s companion showed up in a racing model ATV vehicle, clearly intoxicated, and gave the following account. Imagine this tale being recited in a deep Georgian accent.

He and his injured friend had been drinkin’ and ridin’ around the field on the three-wheeled ATV, when they sighted a stand of deer in their headlights. The friend, riding the back as a passenger, was struck with a great idea. “Hey man,” he said, “If you quarter off one a those deer, betcha I can bulldog ‘im.” The driver thought this was an entertaining idea, so he proceeded to isolate a buck and race him down.

His intoxicated passenger proceeded to leap from the ATV, grab the buck by the antlers, and perform an excellent example of this rodeo sport. He pinned the animal’s head to the ground, but that’s when things went wrong. The buck, less docile than a steer, simply got up, threw his head back, and tore his assailant’s belly open. The deer then proceeded to stomp, kick, and butt him for good measure.

The EMTs noticed that this information accounted all of the injuries except one. When they asked the driver about the tire track across his injured friend’s chest, he responded: “Well how else was I s’posed to git the deer off ‘im?”

I don’t know which is worse: a drunk moron trying wrestle a grown male deer like a steer, or a drunk moron who runs over his injured friend to scare away the righteously angered animal.

Wag the Dog
2002 Personal Account

A friend of mine was stepping out of the shower one day, when his wife’s small dog wandered into the bathroom. My friend loves to tease this dog, and having nothing at hand with which to tease, he grabbed his penis and began waving it at the dog.

The dog leapt up and caught the offending member in its mouth and held on for a moment, its entire weight suspended by my friend’s organ. Needless to say, this was extremely painful, and the resulting anguished scream scared the dog so badly that it let go and ran for dear life. The dog was found, much later, still hiding beneath the bed.

Did I mention that the dog had sharp teeth? Apparently they were sharp enough to go all the way through my friend’s penis. Since they had punctured some well-vascularized tissue, he began to bleed profusely. Dizzy and scared, he drove himself to the emergency room.

When the nurse asked what the problem was, he tried to get away with telling her that he had a rather embarrassing injury and needed to see a doctor. Nothing doing! The nurse assured him that she had heard everything, and he must to tell her exactly what had happened so she could triage him appropriately.

Once he explained the situation, she handled it quickly and professionally, putting him in a private room with only a slight smile and a stifled laugh.

After treatment and testing to ensure that nothing vital was irreparably damaged, the doctor admonished him to be more careful, and my friend made his way home to wait for his wife, and explain to her how he had come to be injured. Luckily, he ended up with nothing more than an unusual scar and some painful memories, although he came damn close (well the dog did) to eliminating any chance at contributing to the gene pool.

Western Massacre

2007 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance

Here’s one that doesn’t qualify for an award but might fit into your “personal accounts” category. As a movie/TV actor, stuntman & stunt coordinator, I have seen just about everything that could be classified as “human error”, but this one has always been one of my favorite stories about my days in “Show Business”.

During the filming of “The Adventures of Jodie”, a low-budget Western, the director asked me (since I was one of the stuntmen/actors & a professional horse wrangler)match up the “townies” who had applied for work on the film with suitable horses. I figured we were going to have a problem as soon as I saw these guys…they were all dressed like they had just bought out a Western wear store, you’ve seen the types…big license-plate belt buckles, brand new Stetsons, & boots that had never been worn before that day. Not one of those guys even knew which end of a horse the hay went in! I passed this info along to an assistant (who promptly forgot to tell anyone else).

An hour later, Myself & the other 2 stuntmen saddled up with 20 wannabe cowboys mounted on 20 old ranch horses, the director yelled “Action!” and we drew our sixguns & charged the camera for the big “massacre” scene…a very prophetic name by the way.

We were galloping full-tilt with blazing guns (blanks of course) toward the stars who were firing back at us. I suddenly saw the stars fall on the ground laughing & the director jumping up & down & shrieking profanities. When I looked behind me, I saw 20 riderless horses running every which way, bucking & kicking, & 20 bodies lying on the ground, draped over mesquite bushes, & a few still flying through the air. Although it took about a dozen ambulances to carry off the “cowboys” thankfully there were no serious injuries.

The really funny part of this tale was when we were viewing the daily rushes (what was filmed that day). The 3 stars raised their rifles & fired a volley which instantly sent 20 riders out of their saddles! It was hilarious but a few days later we had to film it again…this time however, we used a bunch of the rancher’s “real” cowboys.

The moral of this story? Simple. When you ask a man if he can ride a horse, don’t take his word for it…men lie like dogs to impress their girlfriends…& try to be in the movies.

Submitted on 09/10/2007

Submitted by: Tex Hill
Reference: 1977

Pining Away
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin

(Date Omitted) Three hale and hearty young men had finished their basic training. Before heading out to their respective assignments, they decided to spend their few days of leave with one’s grandmother, who lived in the town where they had endured basic training. The privates descended upon Grandmother, who filled them with home cooking. Grandmother had a swing job to make ends meet, so the privates were left alone late into the night.

Grandmother had three children. To commemorate the birth of each child, a pine tree was planted in her front yard. In the fifty years since the last tree was planted, the pines had grown considerably. The middle tree now blocked the view from the living room window. To repay Grandmother for her kindness, the privates decided that they would cut down that tree, letting the sun and the view into the room.

A case of beer went into the planning.

To keep the 50-foot tree from crushing Grandmother’s house, the privates reasoned that they would tie a rope to the top of the tree and pull the rope away from the house as the tree was cut.

The middle pine tree was slightly closer to the house. The privates climbed the end tree, wound a rope through its upper branches, and threw the rope to a private in the middle pine tree. He tied the rope to the middle tree. By this device, they could pull the rope from the ground, and the middle pine tree would fall away from the house. And the privates were also clear of the path of the falling tree.

Climbing a pine tree is a very sappy event, and scrapes and gouges are infliced by the natural roughness of its bark. But the hale and hearty privates completed the preliminaries, and the middle tree was lassoed and levered by the rope running through the end tree.

So far, so good.

Two privates were situated on the ground, each straining to pull the pine tree away from Grandmother’s house. The third private revved his 20 HP chainsaw and started to cut. Lo and behold, the tree actually fell away from Grandmother’s house! However…

The rope-pulling privates had wrapped the rope around their waists, not considering that the falling pine weighed several tons. As the middle pine tree fell, both privates were ripped off their feet and smashed through the branches of the end pine tree. At the height of their acceleration, they broke through the top branches of the tree, and were briefly airborne before being jerked toward the earth when the middle tree hit the ground. The privates entered into Darwin history, either on the way up through the branches, or on the way down to the cold, hard ground.

The event spoke for itself.

April 2008

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