Archive for the 'Sports' Category





Sports Wipeouts


For Those Who Haven’t Stopped Laughing

During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team’s cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, “You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand.” “That’s right, Coach,” replied the lineman. “But, she’s much better!”

Alexander Potter was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set. “Hey,” Alex shouted, “what do you think you’re doing?”
“I am sick of sports, and I’m sick of TV,” his wife replied. “You haven’t touched me in months. We’re going to talk about sex right now!” “Okay, Okay. So…” After a moment, he asked, “How often do you think Brett Favre gets laid?”

Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, “So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?” “Oh, no,” Baby Bear replied, “I don’t want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me.” “Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear,” answered the judge. “On, no, I don’t want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me.” “Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?” Baby Bear said, “I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don’t beat anybody!”


Green Bay: The Ice Bowl

Q: What is the difference between a Bear fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.

The Wall

Three guys, a Dallas fan, a Packer fan, and a Viking fan are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
“I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes total,” says the Genie.
The Dallas Fan says, “I am a farmer, my Dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Texas.”
With a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘FOOM’ the land in Texas was forever made fertile for farming.
The Viking Fan was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Minnesota so that no infidels, Bear Fans, or Packer Fans, can come into our precious state.”
Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’, there was a huge wall around Minnesota.
Izzy, the Wisconsinite asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state; nothing can get in or out.”
Izzy says, “Fill it up with water.”

The Ice Bowl

Pro football fans in Green Bay, Wisconsin have always been recognized as a loyal and hearty bunch. But one wouldn’t have faulted even the most loyal “Packer Backer” if he’d decided not to attend the 1967 NFL Championship game between the Packers and Dallas Cowboys. Played at Lambeau Field on December 31, the temperature at game time registered a frigid 13 degrees below zero. Nonetheless, more than 50,000 parka-clad fans braved the elements that New Year’s Eve and watched in awe as the Packers claimed their third consecutive NFL title, with a 21-17 victory.

1967_Championship_GameFrom the start, Green Bay fans felt their team had a distinct advantage over the warm-weather Cowboys, After all, the Packers lived and practiced in the cold Wisconsin climate. Green Bay’s early 14-0 lead probably convinced fans that they were right. However, the severe weather affected the Packers too. Dallas scored a touchdown and a field goal after two Packer fumbles and added a second touchdown in the fourth quarter. Suddenly, with 4:50 left in the game the Packers were behind, 17-14.

The Packers literally and figuratively “kept their cool.” Behind the leadership of future Hall of Fame quarterback Bart Starr, they marched down field. With sixteen seconds remaining and the temperature down to eighteen below zero, the Packers found themselves about two feet away from victory. Starr called time out. The field was like a sheet of ice. The two previous running plays had gone nowhere. With no time outs left, a running play seemed totally out of the question. A completed pass surely would win it. Even an incomplete pass would at least stop the clock so the Packers could set up a field goal to tie the game and send it into overtime. After consulting with Packers coach Vince Lombardi, Starr returned to the huddle.

Starr took the snap from center Ken Bowman. Bowman and guard Jerry Kramer combined to take out Dallas tackle Jethro Pugh. With Pugh out of the way, Starr surprised everyone and dove over for the score. “We had run out of ideas,” Starr said of the play. However, Lombardi put it another way, “We gambled and we won.”

It is minus eleven degrees today in Green Bay at 10:00 am CST, January 20, 2008.



“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
-Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:


Just got a new football for my wife. Great trade.


Two boys were walking in Green Bay when, from out of nowhere, a large vicious dog began attacking one of the boys.  Undaunted the other little boy ran over to a fence, tore out a board from the fence and proceeded to hit the dog until it was dead thus saving his friends life.  A reporter witnessed the whole thing and ran up to the little boy saying, “That’s the bravest thing I’ve ever seen a little boy do.  I’m going to write a story in the newspaper about you.  Hmmm, let’s see…the title will be ‘Young Packer Fan Saves Best Friend.'”

“Oh sir, I’m not a Packers fan,” stated the little boy.

“Oh,” stated the reporter.  “I just thought with this being Green Bay everyone was a Packers fan.  How about, “Vikings Fan Saves Pal — Kills Dog.'”

“Oh sir, I’m not a Vikings fan either.”

“Oh,” answered the reporter.  “I just thought everyone up here rooted for the Packers or the Vikings.  You do like football?”

“Yes sir,” answered the little boy.

“Who’s your favorite team?”  Asked the reporter.

“I’m a Dallas Cowboy fan,” stated the boy proudly.

The headline for the story read:  Redneck Delinquent Kills Beloved Family Pet.


War Zone

Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Oakland Raiders team for ’98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn’t find a quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away! He threw another grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away! A car passes going 80 miles (120 km) an hour, and he send another grenade right into the barely open window. “I’ve got to get this guy,” Al says to himself, “He has the perfect arm!”
So he brings him to the States and teaches him the game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXIII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
“Mom,” the young man says into the receiver, “I just won the SuperBowl.”
“I don’t want to talk to you, ” the old woman says, “You deserted us. You’re not my son.”
“I don’t think you understand, mother.” the young man pleads, “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m in the middle of thousands of adoring fans.”
“No, let me tell you,” the mother implores. “At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was attacked in broad daylight…”
The old lady pauses, then says through her tears, “I’ll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!”


What about Iowa?

Q: Why doesn’t Iowa have a professional football team?

A: Because Minnesota would want one too.


You might be from Wisconsin if…

You define summer as three months of bad sledding.

Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

Snow tires come standard on all your cars.

You refer to the Packers as “we”.

At least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm.

You can make sense out of the words “UPNORT” and “BATREE”.

Your have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.

You can identify a Michigan accent.

You know what “cow-tipping” is.

You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike.

“Down south” to you means Chicago.

Traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee.

The “big three” means Miller, Old Milwaukee and PBR.

A brat is something that you eat.

You have no problems spelling “Milwaukee”.

You consider Madison “exotic”.

You got a passport to go to Minnesota.

Your idea of foreign culture is listening to Da Yoopers.

You don’t have a coughing fit from one sip of PBR.

You’ve seen a hodag.

You used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday.

You know that Gotham is a real city.

You can actually pronounce and spell Oconomowoc and Menomonie.

You know what a bubbler is.

The snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce.

Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.

Your Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer.

You go out for fish fry every Friday.

You go to work in a snowsuit every morning and return home wearing shorts.

When you tell someone where you are from they say: “I thought that was part of Canada”.

Bernie Brewer is your idol because he gets to dive into a giant beer mug.

Your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring, the 4th of July and Fall.

You know how to polka.

Your idea of diversity is having black, brown and white cows.

You drink “soda” and refer to your father as “pop”.

Formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a BLACK baseball cap.

You tried to tap the “Worlds Largest Six Pack”.

Your children describe their summer vacation our of state as a “trip to Door County”.

You are unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

You go to Florida to get a tan in August.

You caught a fish in Lake Michigan that glowed in the dark.

You define the swimming season as “Labor Day Weekend”.

Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You know where the city of Waunaukee is AND can pronounce it.

You can visit Luxemborg, Holland, Balgium, Denmark and Poland all in the same afternoon.

You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend.

You actually know what Schaeffer’s Beer is and you like it.

You know what Euchre and Sheepshead are.

You have been involved in a “drive-by hay bailing”.

Two words: “Leinenkugels Beer”.

Your refer to stop lights as “stop & go lights”.

July 2020

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