Some Humor

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip’s Screwdriver?

***** 

“I am ” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do ” is the longest sentence?

*****

Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?
They have to pull their own pants down.

***** 

Why don’t blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
They can’t get eight cups of water into that little packet.

*****

“On the Table”

He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide…he looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms…
And then he stuffed the turkey.

***** 

He said… Want a quickie?
She said… As opposed to what?

She said… What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money.

He said… Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said… That’s a good idea… You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Rumor Mills

Have you ever purposely not sought information just so you could listen to the rumors and see if they live up to truth?  Living in a place like Wisconsin, I tend to watch the weather closely.  For you poor folks who live in nothing but endless sunshine, how do you tell if time is passing?  By sitting around watching each other grow old I suppose.  The rumor is we are about to get hit with a huge (a ginormous) snow storm.  Sixteen freaking inches of snow expected!  Of course I heard this same rumor from the guy who told me last week we weren’t supposed to get any snow this past weekend.  We did.  I don’t intend on watching the Weather Channel, the local news or read the back page of the newspaper where they put the weather forecast just to see.  It’s going to be a white Christmas.

On This Day 12-17: First in Flight

1777 – France recognized American independence.

1903 – The first successful gasoline-powered airplane flight took place near Kitty Hawk, NC. Orville and Wilbur Wright made the flight.

1925 – Col. William “Billy” Mitchell was convicted of insubordination at his court-martial.

1939 – The German pocket battleship Graf Spee was scuttled by its crew, bringing the World War II Battle of the Rio de la Plata off Uruguay to an end.

1944 – The U.S. Army announced the end of its policy of excluding Japanese-Americans from the West Coast which ensured that Japanese-Americans were released from detention camps.

1969 – The U.S. Air Force closed its Project “Blue Book” by concluding that there was no evidence of extraterrestrial spaceships behind thousands of UFO sightings.

1992 – U.S. President Bush, Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney and Mexican President Carlos Salinas de Gortari signed the North American Free Trade Agreement.

If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted as true is really true, there would be little hope of advance.
Orville Wright

No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris.
Orville Wright

*****

A Southwest Airlines captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!”

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked. “Why not?”

She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

*****

I don’t know about the truth of this story but it’s a nice story. You may remember some years ago there was a BA 747 that flew into a cloud of volcanic ash and lost all four engines. The story goes that when the investigators were checking out the “black boxes” they see how the engines quit one by one in rapid succession and all conversation on the flight deck suddenly stops.
After a few seconds they hear the captains voice: “Quiet, isn’t it?”

*****

On a flight to New York the flight attendant said to a lady sitting in first class, “Mame, I’m affraid you’ll have to sit in the back since you have a coach ticket.”
The lady responded, “Listen, I’m a beautiful blonde, I’m going to NY, and I’m sitting in first class.”

The two argued for a while but finally the flight attendant went and got the first officer – who came and said, “Mame, I’m affraid you’ll have to move into the coach section since you have a coach ticket”.
To which she replied, “Listen, sir, I’m a beautiful blonde, I’m going to NY, and I’m sitting in first class.”

After they argued for a while the first officer gave up and went to get the Captain who said, “I’ll handle this. I’m married to a beautiful blonde.” So – the Captain went right up to her, whispered in her ear, after which she got right up and moved into the coach section.

Both the flight attendant and first officer were shocked and asked the Captain – “I don’t get it sir. What did you say to make her move back to coach.”
To which the Captain said, “Oh that was easy, I just told her first class wasn’t going to NY!”

*****

Also on this day, my mom and dad had a son.

Snowshoeing in Southern Wisconsin

Last year I bought a pair of snowshoes along with some other Winter gear.  Parka, insulated gloves, insulated under-armor, snow pants, insulated boots, and this totally bad-ass fur cap.  Most of the gear is from North Face or Columbia and the snowshoes are from Tubbs.  I never got a chance to use any of it.  I wore the fur cap and the parka when I shoveled the driveway, but other than that, we didn’t get enough snow.

Not this year.

We have about double the amount of snow we usually get in December, and it doesn’t seem to want to let up.  A day or two without snowing, followed by a day or two of snowing.  It’s great!

Today, I finally got to use the snowshoes.  Snowshoeing is much more work than cross-country skiing, but I’m not limited to the trails.  As a matter of fact when I went out to the local state park, I asked the ranger if I could go snowshoeing.  He said I could as long as I stayed off the cross-country ski trails.

“Does that mean I can go anywhere else in the park?” I asked.

“Yep,” he answered.  Adding, “Go for it.”

I went anywhere there weren’t ski trails and when I had to cross the ski trails I made sure not to mess up their ski runs.  I’m a good guy like that.  I believe in sharing the park.

It was a nice day in the park.  The temps stayed around twenty-five degrees and it turned out, with all the extra work of snowshoeing, I was overdressed.  I prefer my mom’s philosophy when I go into the woods in Winter.  If you’re overdressed you can always take it off, but you can’t put it on if you haven’t brought it with you.  I ended up sweating and because I carried my camera around my neck and kept it inside my jacket, toward the end of my hike the lens fogged up from being too warm.  I got some nice photos though and thought I’d share a few.  I didn’t see any wildlife, but I did see a couple of people ice fishing, about a half a dozen cross-country skiers, and some people sledding with their children on one of the hills.

This park is Lake Kegonsa in southern Wisconsin and can be found through the link for the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources in my Favorite Websites links on the left side of the page.

On This Day 12-15: The Price of Hegemony

he·gem·o·ny /hɪˈdʒɛməni, ˈhɛdʒəˌmoʊni/ Pronunciation Key – Show Spelled Pronunciation[hi-jem–uh-nee, hej–uh-moh-nee] Pronunciation Key – Show IPA Pronunciation

–noun, plural -nies.

1.
leadership or predominant influence exercised by one nation over others, as in a confederation.

2.
leadership; predominance.

3.
(esp. among smaller nations) aggression or expansionism by large nations in an effort to achieve world domination.

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[Origin: 1560–70; < Gk hégemonía leadership, supremacy, equiv. to hégemon- (s. of hégemn) leader + -ia -y³]Source: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hegemony1791 – In the U.S., the first ten amendments to the Constitution, known as the Bill of Rights, went into effect following ratification by the state of Virginia.1877 – Thomas Edison patented the phonograph.

1890 – American Sioux Indian Chief Sitting Bull and 11 other tribe members were killed in Grand River, SD, during an incident with Indian police working for the U.S. government.

1938 – U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt presided over the ground-breaking ceremonies for the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, DC.

1944 – A single-engine plane carrying U.S. Army Major Glenn Miller disappeared in thick fog over the English Channel while en route to Paris.

1944 – American forces invaded Mindoro Island in the Philippines.

1961 – Former Nazi official Adolf Eichmann was sentenced to death in Jerusalem by an Israeli court. He had been tried on charges for organizing the deportation of Jews to concentration camps.

1961 – The U.N. General Assembly voted against a Soviet proposal to admit Communist China as a member.

1965 – Two U.S. manned spacecraft, Gemini 6 and Gemini 7, maneuvered within 10 feet of each other while in orbit around the Earth.

1970 – The Soviet probe Venera 7 became the first spacecraft to land softly on the surface of Venus. The probe only survived the extreme heat and pressure for about 23 minutes and transmitted the first data received on Earth from the surface of another planet.

1978 – U.S. President Carter announced he would grant diplomatic recognition to Communist China on New Year’s Day and sever official relations with Taiwan.*

1992 – El Salvador’s government and leftist guerrilla leaders formally declared the end of the country’s 12-year civil war.**

*A Diplomatic Mission had been opened under the Nixon administration.  The deal with China to get full diplomatic relations not only included severing diplomatic ties with Taiwan, it also meant supporting a Chinese incursion into Vietnam.  The Chinese incursion into Vietnam was meant to draw the Vietnamese out of Cambodia, China’s ally.  The Carter administration also agreed, as part of the deal, to give military, medical, and economic aid to Cambodia.  The Cambodian government at that time was led by Pol Pot.  With the Vietnamese gone from Pol Pot’s Cambodia, he was then able to continue his genocide of his own people.  It is estimated that Pol Pot killed between one million and four million Cambodians.

**This was a very brutal war.  For more information lookup El Mozote’ or follow this link to read Mark Danner’s account:  http://globetrotter.berkeley.edu/people/Danner/1993/truthelmoz01.html.  This ain’t for the faint of heart.

On This Day 12-14: The End is Near!

1503 – Physician, astrologer and clairvoyant Nostradamus was born at St. Remy, Provence, France.*

1799 – The first president of the United States, George Washington, died at the age 67.

1896 – Gen. James H. Doolittle, who led the first air raid on Japan during World War II, was born.

1945 – Josef Kramer, known as “the beast of Belsen,” and 10 others were executed in Hamelin for the crimes they committed at the Belsen and Auschwitz Nazi concentration camps.

1999 – U.S. and German negotiators agreed to establish a $5.2 billion fund for Nazi-era slave and forced laborers.

1999 – Charles M. Schulz announced he was retiring the “Peanuts” comic strip. The last original “Peanuts” comic strip was published on February 13, 2000.

*These guys almost always make me laugh:  http://the-end.com/2008GodsFinalWitness/?gclid=CMTbw7iKqJACFSeeIwodWXL7pg.  I say almost always because you never know, if enough people keep saying that it’s the end times, eventually, it will be the end times and then they’ll get to say; See, told you so.  Only there won’t be anyone to hear them, so what’s the point in worrying over the end times?  One of the few memorable things someone from the religious community ever said that has stayed with me is this:

“Father, what would you do if you knew Jesus was coming tomorrow?”

“I’d plant a tree,” replied the Catholic priest.

“You’d plant a tree in honor of Jesus’ coming?”

“No.  I’d plant a tree, because tomorrow I plan on planting a tree.”

“After there is great trouble among mankind, a greater one is prepared. The great mover of the universe will renew time, rain, blood, thirst, famine, steel weapons and disease. In the heavens, a fire seen.”

Nostradamus

“Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.”

George Washington quote

Quotes courtesy of http://en.thinkexist.com/.