Mixed Humor

Morris walks into Dr. Cohen’s office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, “I can’t talk, please help me!”
The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, “Put your penis on the table here.”
Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does as he says.
The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris’ penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
Then the doctor says, “Good, come again tomorrow and we’ll learn B!”

you might be a redneck if you use a rock for a cruise control.

Martin is out jogging. He slips on a damp bridge, hits his head, and falls into an icy river. Three kids see it happen. They jump in and save him. When he comes to, he says, “Boys, you saved Mark Martin. You each deserve a reward. You name it, and I’ll give it to you.” The first kid says, “I’d like a ticket to Disneyland.” Martin says, “I’ll take care of it personally.” The second boy says, “I’d like a pair of Nike Air Turbo’s.” Martin says, “I’ll buy them myself and give them to you.” The third kid says, “I’d like a wheelchair with a built-in stereo.” Martin says, “I’ll personally … Wait a second, you’re not handicapped.” The kid says, “I will be when my father finds out who I saved from drowning.”

you know your a redneck if you take your dog
for a walk and go pee with it.

A blond and a brunette jump off a cliff. Guess which one hits the ground first?
The brunette. The blond had to stop for directions

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Seven… One to make the dough and six to peel the M&M’s.

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.
That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.
She looked at her husband and said, “Honey, do you remember this?”
He looked up at her and said, “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”
She said, “That’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?”
He nodded and said, “Yes dear, I still remember.”
“Well, what was it?” she asked.
He responded, “As I remember, I said, ‘Oh baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.’ ”
She giggled and said, “Yes honey, that’s exactly what you said. So, now it’s 50 years later, and I’m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?”
Again he looked up at her, and he replied, “Mission accomplished

There was a little dude and he walked into an elevator. standing next to him was a huge dude. The huge dude turned and said to the little dude .. ” before you ask me any questions I’m just gonna tell you the answers to what people usually ask me .. I’m 7’2″ 375 lbs 2lbs left testicle 2lbs right testicle 15″ penis and my name is Turner Brown.” then little dude looks at the big dude in horror and the big dude says ” what’s the matter? all I said was I’m 7’2″ 375 lbs 2lbs left testicle 2lbs right testicle 15″ penis and my name is turner brown.” and the little dude says ” oh! thank god! i thought you said turn around!”

Olny srmat poelpe can raed this.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh ? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this psas it on !!